Aggressive or assertive, what’s the difference?

Let’s start with a quick overview on self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the value that a person attributes to himself, a reflection of an attitude of approval-disapproval. It is a behavior that allows a person to act, to defend his point of view without anxiety, to express sincerely and with ease his feelings, to exercise his right without denying those of others.

The 7 maxims:

· To be respected by others

· Assert your rights

· Not trying to be loved by everyone always

· Have a positive image of yourself

· Fight depression by taking action

· Face the others

· Disregard the failure, what's important is to be assertive

What are the types of behavior?

- Passive-

· Speaks low, fluency slowed, responses short, high latency

· Limited facial expression

· Body position: away

· Very little body movements

· Does not obtain concrete objectives

· Tense, frustrated, tends to devalue himself

· Little or indirect expression of emotions

· Hesitates to solicit others, to ask for services, to contradict or to disturb

-Assertive-

· Audible intensity of voice

· Appropriate facial expression

· Good posture, position and distance

· Body movements supported with language

· Obtains objectives

· Positive social relationships

· Correct, feels comfortable

· Calmly and directly expresses his emotions

· Asks or says what he wishes while accepting that one could not agree with him

-Aggressive-

· Speaks loudly and quickly, long sentences, very short latency

· High tension of facial expression

· Close distance, tense posture

· Gesticulations

· Sometimes obtains objectives

· Bad experience of social relationships

· Often feels tense and assaulted, feels guilty when he has gone too far

· Explosively, brutally and sometimes accusingly expresses his emotions

· Imposes his points of view and badly accept contradiction, refusals or criticisms

Reasons of absence of assertive behavior

· The subject may not have learned the appropriate behavior to respond to a given situation (lack of know-how) or may have learned inappropriate behavior (such as anxiety)

· The required social skills are assessed negatively by the subject

· The person presents an inadequate perception of social situations

Here's your guide on how to be assertive:

· Acquire the manifestations or external signs of assertive behavior

· Modify the internal perceptions and experiences

· Achieve concrete, material objectives

· Have good reinforcements from others

· Overcome your internal discomfort

· Learn to get involved in requests and refusals ("I")

· Learn to persist in requests and refusals

· Know how to take the other into account.

Here are some techniques that you can use:

· Empathetic assertiveness Ex: "I feel that it is important for you to ..." BUT ".... "

Recognize what the other is feeling, also verbalize what you feel

· Repeat the request + explain why (to people who can't say no)

· Self-revelation: Reveal the feelings that arise from a conflict situation

· Positive expression of criticisms, requests, opinions, feelings

· Give information or explanations directly and precisely

· Acknowledge your wrongs

· Negative questioning

- Clear relationships must be established

- Get the interlocutor to verbalize what is negative about me

· Positive questioning

Get the interlocutor to verbalize what is good about me

· Direct questioning

For example: "You are bothered that I don't show up much at home"

· Search for a compromise

· Disarm anger: relaxation + cognitive restructuring

· In case of uncertainty, rephrase the question

· Cut the cord: Say nothing